Voting Rant

In a few weeks, Americans will yet again elect the most powerful individual in the free world and will once more prove themselves woefully inadequate to the task. Think about that for a moment. Electing any individual to hold that so coveted, so demanding, and so thankless a position for the next four or possibly eight years is not something to be taken lightly or frivolously. It should be done thoughtfully, deliberately, and anxiously at the very least. Ideally, an extremely high percentage of all eligible voters will participate and, armed with a thorough knowledge of the crucial issues facing the nation and what positions the candidates espouse, will make an informed, intelligent, and somber choice.

Yeah, yeah, I know, but I can dream too can’t I? Am I not allowed my own fantasies even in the face of such overwhelming and growing apathy, ignorance, utter stupidity, and absolutely breathtaking indolence? No, I suppose not. That kind of selfish indulgence seems somewhat delusional in light of the stark reality we face. Our electoral process is quickly morphing into a total electoral cluster-fuck! If memory serves, voter turn out in the last presidential election was possibly the lowest in our history. I’ve seen figures that put this number at anywhere between 35 and 50%! At best, then, only one half of eligible voters bothered to show up at the polls and the worst case scenario maintains that 65% of those eligible to vote are apathetic assholes who care not a whit for the future of this republic!

Our representative republic can not much longer endure in its present form if the majority of citizens no longer give a rat’s ass who their leaders are. To remain healthy and vibrant, a republic such as ours requires the participation of at least a bare majority of its members. When the minority group dictates to the majority, we’re headed straight down the road to oligarchy: the dictatorship of the few over the many. I’ve heard all the excuses and they’re analogous to assholes: everybody has one and they all stink! “I couldn’t take the time,” goes one. “My one vote can’t make a difference. It doesn’t matter,” is another favorite. Still a third insists that, “These fucking politicians are all the same. Nothin’ but liars and thieves!” There are, of course, many more and they are just as impotent and lame. For those pathetic, weak-minded, linguini-spined (note the Limbaughism here), lazy bastards out there, LISTEN THE FUCK UP!! You’re not just part of the problem, you are the damned problem!

When the founders devised this system, the rest of the world’s population were literally slaves to the tyrants that ruled them. Ours was the only nation at that time to give its citizens the gift of freedom and allowed them the revolutionary opportunity to choose those who governed in a rational, peaceful manner. For those who had known nothing but the jack-boot of the king’s agents, it literally constituted a miracle! Think about it: no one else on the entire planet was able to do that. NOBODY!! Early in our nation’s history, virtually every eligible voter participated in this uniquely American phenomenon. Failure to do so was deemed not only a betrayal of those revolutionary principles that constitute the bedrock of this nation’s birth, but a betrayal as well of all those who died creating the freest country the globe has ever known – then or now.

Even today, the majority of nations are still governed by some form of tyranny, dictatorship, or monarchy. Most of the world’s population is not free, save to do the bidding of their rulers. They have no choices, no prospects, and no hope! Voting is not an option for the vast majority living today and is absolutely anathema to most of the world’s leaders. Yet you apathetic assholes don’t realize what a precious gift you are destroying. You are spitting on the memory of those who died so long ago to bring that gift to you and create a system that insured its survival if the citizenry dutifully and gratefully does what is required! There are approximately 193 nations now on the planet, and only about eighty-five to ninety of them constitute some form of real democracy in which the people actually have a voice in what happens to them! The rest of the world lives in chains and you pathetic bastards couldn’t care less! Can you all say POPULAR SOVEREIGNTY?!? (look it up, moron).

If enough of you cretinous boobies out there don’t wake up and assume your civic responsibilities, the very future of this “great experiment” is literally at stake. Yup, we’re talking about the end of America as we have known it for the last 230 some-odd years. At the Constitutional Convention (perhaps you’ve heard of it) a woman purportedly asked Benjamin Franklin what kind of government the founders were contemplating. Franklin replied, “ A republic, madame, if you can keep it!” Well, if old Ben and the Boys, those long-dead white men, could see what has happened to their cherished republic they would not only be spinning in their graves, but rather rotating at about 10,000 RPM’s! They would absolutely advocate a second American Revolution to undo the irreparably fatal damage you brainless, unpatriotic scum have done to the original Revolution! That’s right, you heard it here first. Yes, I am emphatically and unabashedly questioning your patriotism! By not fulfilling you civic responsibility you are, in fact, behaving unpatriotically. You are destroying one of the fundamental cornerstones that this nation rests upon: the privilege of allowing as many citizens as possible to determine their own and their nation’s destiny! Choosing not to participate shows an utter contempt for the traditions that made this country God’s greatest gift to human-kind. Not only is that unpatriotic, Schmuck, but it is downright treasonous! Stick that in your water-pipe and smoke it, shithead!!

In fact, if you are eligible to vote but choose not to, then just shut the fuck up! Your opinion doesn’t matter and you are not entitled to it. No one wants to hear from you on any of the major issues of the day. You want to talk golf, fine. You want to talk about the playoffs, OK. You want to have a discussion about the best bass fishing in your part of the world, great! Beyond that, you just sit there, bite your lip and listen to your betters: those of us that take our responsibilities seriously and appreciate the sacrifices made by those who came before us. Got it?!? In addition to shutting up, you’ll also have to pay up! Eligible voters who choose not to and have no credible reason for opting out will have to pay a huge fine for their appalling dereliction of duty. How about twenty-five hundred for the first measure of disrespect and five thousand for each incident thereafter? Whaddya think, Sparky? You think you might take the time to vote now?

Along with massive voter turn out, the founders envisioned an enlightened electorate. They foresaw a voting public thoroughly steeped in the vital issues of the day and intelligent enough to make knowledgeable decisions concerning so grave a matter as selecting our nation’s leaders. Once again, Ben and his Buddies would be absolutely outraged if they had but an inkling of how the system they had so painstakingly and brilliantly implemented had devolved into a total mockery, a freaking perversion of their original intent!

Most voters base their choice on anything but the issues and what stand the candidates take on them, for that would require at least a minimal amount of time and energy. Well informed voters make the effort to research the burning issues of the day and study the various candidate’s views on foreign and domestic policies. You see, there is actual “work” in the process of becoming an informed citizen. This concept is completely foreign to most of those who do vote, let alone those who don’t. Need proof? Sure thing. Just ask anyone who purports to hate George W. Bush the following question, “Why do you hate George Bush?” In 95% of cases ( and I know because I’ve actually done it) the answer will be, “I hate George Bush!” You reply to this brilliance by explaining that you understand the animus toward “W” and ask what specific things the Commander in Chief has or hasn’t done to inspire such negative emotions. The answer will more than likely be something like, “I dunno, I just hate the son of a bitch!” Absolutely fucking erudite! Such knowledge, such an amazing grasp of the issues, such – such TOTAL BULLSHIT!

Want to try another little experiment? Ask anyone who is going to vote for Mrs. Clinton, if she is nominated, to name just three things the woman has accomplished in her almost eight years as a senator from New York State. The response is almost universally a blank, glassy-eyed stare. Go on to query why the individual is going to vote for Hillary when she has accomplished virtually nothing. The answer will invariably approach the intellectual level of a half-bright fifth-grader: “I dunno, I just like her.” I fear our so-called democracy is, in truth, no more than a “Boobocracy” for the lazy and the stupid! Most voters, in fact, make their selections based merely on such factors as family voting patterns, the candidates physical attractiveness, mannerisms, and personal tailors. Hair style and glibness count for far more than substantive issues.

Stringent times require stringent measures and those of us who do take the time and effort to become informed, knowledgeable voters are damned tired of you ignorant assholes canceling out the energy we’ve expended and the research we’ve done. We take our duty seriously and you pond scum seem to delight in slapping us in the face! To change that, we’re going to bring back the concept of voting tests. We’re going to revive an old one and institute a new one. Do you remember the old literacy tests used to prevent the former slaves from voting? Well, they’re baaack! This time, they won’t be directed against race, but rather against ignorance, stupidity, laziness, slothfulness, and weak-mindedness! Any citizen born in the United States who can’t read and write the English language on at least the high school level is guilty of at least one or all of the above and will be immediately barred from the polling place until such time as he or she can demonstrate proficiency. If a naturalized citizen fails the literacy test, his or her citizenship is automatically revoked, they are instantly reclassified as illegal aliens, and deported back to whatever third-world shit hole they came from! Enough of this crap!!

And don’t hand me this pap and drivel that you have a “right to vote!” You have no such right and never did! Nowhere in the Constitution will you find that “right” enumerated. Neither will you find it in our first ten amendments (also known as the Bill of Rights for all uninformed ignoramuses out there). Voting is a duty, a civic responsibility, an obligation but it is absolutely not a right, asshole! In order to properly and faithfully perform that duty LITERACY IS NECESSARY! The literacy component of the voting test is also required to pass the second component: The Issues Test! You got it, sport. In order to vote, you must prove you are informed regarding the major issues confronting the nation and that you have more than just a passing knowledge of where the opposing candidates stand on them.

The upcoming presidential election boils down to a race between McCain & Obama. For example, what are their positions on health care? How about higher or lower taxes? Do they want to win the war against Islamofacism or do they want to cut and run? Do they want to deport the illegal aliens among us or would they prefer some form of amnesty program? If you can’t answer basic issue-oriented questions such as these, get the FUCK OUTA HERE!! You’ve got no business voting and absolutely no business nullifying the votes of those who went out of their way to become informed!! And remember, if you are turned away because of your lack of knowledge the aforementioned fines automatically kick in. Payment by certified check or credit card will gladly be accepted, thank you very much!

Still another requirement for voting will be employment! In order to reach the voting machine or ballot box, you must prove that you are gainfully employed so make sure you bring your most recent pay stubs with you! If you are not an employee but instead own your own business, make sure you have last year’s corporate tax returns or you don’t get to make your mark. If you are no longer working but have retired from the labor force, bring proof! Now before you liberal scum start your hysterical rants about how I’m suggesting discriminating against poor people, shut the fuck up and pay attention! You’ll notice that no income requirement level is part of the plan. The only demand is that you are working or have worked throughout your adult years. Indeed, the working poor are especially welcome at the ballot box because if they keep at it, they will one day no longer be poor. Only those who have a stake in society should have anything to say about how that society functions and is governed!

Obviously, then, WELFARE RECIPIENTS will never be granted the privilege of enfranchisement! They deserve to be disenfranchised!! No, I don’t want to hear it – shut up – don’t say one fuckin’ word!! Those on welfare, deserving or not, are takers, not contributors. They are parasites sucking the host-body dry!! Only those who contribute to society shall be permitted to make decisions about crucial issues affecting society. To the charge that I don’t like and am discriminating against those on welfare, I answer GUILTY AS FUCKING HELL, YOU HONOR!! I don’t like people on welfare for they are the reason that the entire sick, twisted, and warped “Wealth Transfer Industry” exists. They are the only reason that these pandering, suck-ass, liberal politicians can take money that I’ve earned and throw it at some guy who not only doesn’t work but has absolutely no intentions of working. What the fuck is that all about anyway?!? So yeah, you’re right. I don’t much like those on welfare. Care to do something about that? No, I thought not!

The “right” to vote does not exist and it seems that the privilege to vote is fading fast. As fewer and fewer eligible voters participate, the system is destroyed. As the system is destroyed, so too the country. Those who choose to opt out are too blind, stupid , and, beattleheaded to care. For those of us who still exercise the franchise, our nation’s future is at best uncertain and at worst, truly fucked! Have a nice day!!

The Fifth Horseman