THE PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE RANT

Well, another parent-teacher conference night/afternoon has come and gone and once again it was a complete, utter, and total colossal waste of time and energy. I’ve been doing these gigs for over a quarter century now and not once in all that time has even one of them come close to what might be termed productive, useful, or in any manner, shape, or form remotely meaningful. There is no longer even any Public Relations value that used to attach to them many years ago because virtually none of the parents of our students actually give a rat’s ass about the educational attainments of their little darlings. Let’s see, we do one of these per term for a total of two annually. Between the evening and afternoon sessions we rack up five hours a term and ten for the year. That comes to approximately 15,000 minutes, 250 hours, and roughly 10.5 days that could have been most definitely far better and more fruitfully spent. We’ve all, of course, wasted time in our lives but in my case I have far more years behind me than I do ahead of me and as we get older time becomes more and more precious. To completely waste it has become odious in the extreme!

I suppose on an elementary school level these exercises in futility may yet claim some validity but I teach in a large urban ghetto high school. Most of my “students” range in age anywhere from seventeen to twenty and twenty-one years old and many of the males sport full beards while far too many of the females are already parents themselves. Our student population has dwindled dramatically in recent years and this term my entire register consists of a mere sixty pupils. I saw only three parents in the evening and absolutely none the next day. This is true building as well as city- wide. Years ago when this place had a total enrollment of five thousand and my own register numbered about one hundred and sixty, the results were also less than stellar. Back then I might get somewhere around fifteen or possibly twenty parents who bothered to take the time and interest to even inquire as to the educational achievements or lack thereof concerning their offspring’s academic career. I cannot, of course, speak to conditions existing in suburban or rural school districts but I’m more than just a little familiar with what’s occurring educationally in our nation’s cities. Conditions are pretty much the same nationally and it has become quite obvious that at some point in the not too distant past a disconnect developed regarding the relationship between schools and the family.

For most of our history school systems and families partnered in the education of the nation’s young and it was accepted as a joint venture with each party having roles and responsibilities that complimented one another. That is now gone and in America’s urban centers it is gone for good. In the overwhelming majority of cases the parent – for there are rarely two – has become divorced from the education of the child. That has become solely the venue of the schools while Mom – and only rarely Dad – provides as best she can the more material needs. This attitude has become so ingrained in New York City, for example, that it has virtually no chance of being reversed. The afore referred to partnership has been disbanded, destroyed, and decimated and is beyond redemption and this does not at all bode well for our nation’s future. Throughout the millennia it has been first and foremost the family that has prepared the younger generations to assume their role as productive adults when it came their time to assume that mantel. Certainly, many thousands of years ago the educational system was far simpler but no less crucial for survival. A young man must be taught such skills as hunting, tracking, killing, and skinning game if the family and tribe were to survive. Similarly, the young ladies must learn the arts of cooking, making clothing, child rearing, and virtually anything else that went on in the home. As time passed, of course, educational requirements became far more sophisticated and complicated but nonetheless the family remained the pivotal and crucial element in educating the young.

As schools and school systems became increasingly formalized and professional, the nature of education changed but certainly not its primary function of preparing the younger generations to take their role as society’s leaders and contribute to the advancement and prosperity of community and country. The family remained the crucial element regarding that task and the educational system and the family unit remained bonded, vibrant, and strong – until very recently that is.

The family structure in our country has virtually ceased to exist in any meaningful form. It is not merely dysfunctional but rather has been destroyed (for further discussion of this crucial topic refer to previous screeds). Once the family no longer fulfills its essential role of preparing the young to be responsible, functioning, and productive adults the nation’s school systems – along with all other major societal institutions – by definition will implode and self-destruct. This is a given and there can be no other outcome or result. This can only mean one thing: the death of this nation! We live in a time when children are birthing children and there is virtually no mature adult in the home that has achieved success in academia. The vast majority of our young mothers are high school drop-outs and can probably read on nothing more than a sixth grade level. For generations education has been on the back burner but today it has fallen completely off the freakin’ stove!

Given this sorry state of affairs it is not the least bit surprising that our school systems in the inner cities have been virtually abandoned by those they were created to serve. Our schools cannot possibly function effectively nor can they successfully fulfill their primary task of getting today’s youngsters ready for tomorrow’s world. Without that traditional partnership between family and education all that awaits is disaster! Even when the school in which I work was full to overflowing the entire PTA could comfortably fit into the principal’s office. The staff here is encouraged by the administration to contact the homes of students in jeopardy of failing no matter what the cause. Phone calls and letters home are deemed crucial links in nurturing the relationship between family and school. I suppose it looks good from both a PR and CYA perspective, but it is meaningless pap and hooey for both forms of communication are almost 100% ignored by the recipient. In the rare cases of actual acknowledgement the parent claims she can no longer control her offspring or as one young mother asked her son’s teacher, “What the fuck you want me to do about it? Don’t never bother me again with this shit!” Yup, communication – it’s a wonderful fucking thing!

A few of us, thoroughly bored, at the last Parent-Teacher Conference Night spent much of the evening discussing the points made above and my colleagues somehow managed to deduce that I had become disgusted beyond measure by what has occurred in our schools and suggested that perhaps an attitude adjustment was called for here. Let me tell you, intuitive doesn’t even come close to describing these jackasses. I guess nothing gets by them! One helpful fellow agreed that the overall experience had become indeed negative but thought that if I focused on a few positives insofar as this wasted evening and afternoon were concerned that it might go a long way toward ameliorating my ever deepening dark funk. Man, is this guy in the wrong field for he’s obviously destined for a career in psychology! Such brilliance is hard to find. I asked this fairly young teacher if he could suggest a practical course of action for me in pursuit of an attempt to find some light at the end of the tunnel that would not turn out to be a speeding freight train barreling down the tracks headed straight for my sorry old ass! His answer smacked of utter genius. He smiled almost condescendingly and uttered but one word: Google.

Having pretty much nothing to do for the rest of the evening and the following afternoon, I decided what could it hurt? After all, it might do something to relieve this terminal boredom I was suffering through. I typed in parent-teacher conference, hit search, and was amazed by the vast quantity, the prolific proliferation of pure bullshit I think I’ve ever seen on one topic! The authors had to be steeped in Edu-Speak, thoroughly trained in Liberal Ideology, and were strong proponents of a concept we have come to call The Edu-Scam. Cindy Bond writing for something called Family Education (www.familyeducation.com), authored a piece entitled, “The Parent-Teacher Conference: Five Must Ask Questions.” Hmmmm, well there’s a novel approach – parents asking teachers questions about their children’s progress. The only problem here is that her basic premise is flawed, the templates don’t fit, and that damned dog just don’t hunt!

This all assumes that more than merely a few of the “parents” will bother to take the time or effort to write down and bring said questions to the conference. On the high school level at least this just ain’t happening nor will it ever happen again. Ms. Bond feels parents should focus on such issues as, “What skills and knowledge will my child be expected to master this year?,” or “How will my child be evaluated?” Both questions are, of course, relevant and germane and any interested parent would ask them. The key word here, obviously, is interested. Other parental-oriented questions posed by the author include: “What can I do to stay more involved in my child’s academic progress?”; How do you accommodate differences in learning”?; and finally, “How are older students prepared for further learning after high school?”

Yes indeed, good questions to be sure. They just do not apply to public inner-city ghetto high schools on any level. The parents of the vast majority of my students simply do not understand the language contained in these questions. They are largely uneducated and for the most part are themselves high school drop outs and we keep wondering why so many of our current crop of “students” don’t make it out of here with a diploma. This has actually become a generational phenomenon in which grandma, children, and grandchildren have failed to do what is necessary to be successful. Sometimes I wonder if it’s actually genetic and speculate as to whether scientists might one day discover a high school drop out gene. A few years ago, a student of mine actually brought his father in to talk with me. This oh so rare of occurrences literally stunned me: a real live honest to God bona fide FATHER! Oh be still my beating heart!!

After introductions, I informed Dad that Junior had already been absent from class thirty-five times and that his son qualified as a serial “cutter.” Pop’s reaction surprised me but it really shouldn’t have. He looked at his kid and said, “You’re a cutter too? So was I in high school!” The old boy had a huge grin plastered across his face and sonny was also beaming. They regaled one another with their experiences as high school cutters and Dad was pleased to find out that the pizza joint he and his buddies used to escape to is now the hang out for his son and fellow truants. They exchanged tales of running from school guards and the evasive tactics they employed. They also compared the number of times they had each been handcuffed by the truancy cops. Ah, bonding between father and son – it’s a beautiful fucking thing! They left and walked down the hall with arms intertwined around shoulders.

For all the Ms. Bonds out there please be informed that your world really doesn’t exist for those of us who teach in large urban centers. We’re literally coming from two different planets or perhaps parallel universes. An outfit called Teacher Vision (www.teachervision.fen.com) also ran a piece about parent teacher conferences but this time they were teacher instead of parent centered. The article, “Parent Teacher Conference,” which was excerpted from a publication entitled, “Classroom Teacher’s Survival Guide” explains that, “professionally conducted parent-teacher conferences can prove a most valuable strategy for improving student classroom behavior as well as enhancing learning.” I’m guessing that this may be true depending on where the school is situated and the make up of the student body. I can tell you with absolute certainty that these aforementioned lofty goals are unattainable in schools like the one in which I spend my days.

The article offers helpful hints as to how best relate to the parent sitting at your desk. It states that the teacher should never be negative but always focus on the positive and warns that presenting Mom with “a laundry list of complaints” will simply create animosity. So I guess I’ll tell Ms. Jones that her teenage juvenile delinquent is a snappy dresser and handled his latest arrest in a dignified manner! I should probably mention that he looked quite fetching in those stylish silver bracelets on both wrists. The piece also offers up additional pithy tidbits including not assuming that the parent’s “surname will be the same as the student’s,” and that one should not “make a big point of it in front of the parent.” Not bad advice really for anyone who actually gives a damn. I’ve had students who have three siblings and none of their last names were the same. That in itself is a clear, no make that shrill, warning of where this nation is headed. The article further recommends that the teacher mention any particular “special talents, interests, or accomplishments displayed by the students.”

Hey, good idea – we should at least leave them smiling. I guess I’ll point out to Ms. Jimenez that Hector is possessed of superior stomping and mugging skills and Esperanza’s brand new tattoo is a gorgeous example of the latest trend in body art while her six face rings really add a touch of character! And no, as the cliché goes you simply can’t make this shit up. We should also, the author admonished, “end the conference in a hopeful tone. Hope, of course, is a good thing. Let’s see, “You know, Mrs. Edwards I sure hope Jonathan doesn’t do too much hard time but if he does tell him I sure hope he manages to avoid Bubba.” How’s that for hope and optimism? Lest you get the impression that I’m simply a jaded and cynical old bastard, let me assure you that an amazing number of my charges have already been through the system from crimes ranging from simple turn-style jumping to rape and murder. Yeah, I’m quite sure that seeing Mom on conference night will certainly turn them around!

Yet another of the web pieces accessed through Google comes from an outfit called Reading Rockets. In an article entitled, “Successful Parent-Teacher Conferences With Bilingual Families,” (www.readingrockets.org) it explains in some detail how to find and use an interpreter. Yup, you read that correctly: bring an interpreter to a conference in an American high school, in an American city, in an American state, in the United States of America! No way in Fucking Hell! Uh-uh, ain’t happening, not havin’ it!! I know, I know. We’re all supposed to be ever so politically correct and play to the multi-cultural morons who are seriously attempting to destroy this country. We’re supposed to be so very, very, tolerant and understanding as we attempt to boost egos and foster positive self-esteem. Well, Bullshit! If these folks from all those wonderful third world shit holes from whence they came haven’t bothered to learn the language of their adopted nation then I have no need or desire to see them at a conference or any other damned place for that matter. I’ll be damned if I’ll be part of our current day Mollification Movement composed of true believers, blame America firsters, and our Liberal Fucking Elite! You don’t know my language – I don’t want you in my classroom! Which part of that last sentence did you not understand?

The article suggests that the classroom teacher should, “arrange for an interpreter,” and must, “enlist help to find an interpreter if necessary.” When an interpreter has been located, we must also make sure that, “this does not violate privacy policies,” in the school district. More useful tips include: training parents to become interpreters; reviewing educational terms and vocabulary with the interpreter; and, of course, we must “be aware of cultural differences.” You’ve got to be fucking kidding, right?!? Whoever wrote or concurs with this bullshit is no more than a saboteur Hell bent on destroying our school system not to mention the entire country. They no longer want America to be America but rather wish to transform it into nothing less than a third world toilet in which progress and advancement cease, poverty reigns supreme, and factional conflict and violence become the norm! The national interest is of no importance to these scum dogs, they lack any shred or iota of love for this country’s traditions, and yet when their patriotism is questioned they instantly begin hooting, hollering, and engaging in vicious verbal assaults!!

I have, however, a suggestion that would certainly liven up these morbidly dull and useless events we dub parent-teacher conferences. According to the literature, the parent is encouraged to come to the meeting with questions for the pedagogue. Below please find some particularly relevant questions that teachers in schools like mine may want to ask the parents. Ready, here we go.


· Why is your fifteen to seventeen year-old running the streets until 2AM on a school night?

· Why is your teenage son or daughter running the streets until 2AM on the weekends?

· Why has your fifteen to nineteen year-old already been arrested half a dozen times?

· Why is your seventeen year-old daughter only weeks away from birthing her second welfare bastard?

· Why was your son/daughter caught bringing weapons into the school?

· Why was he/she caught smoking marijuana in the stairwell?

· Why does your son buckle his pants around his ass?

· Why is the father(s) of your child (children) not living at home with him/her(them)?

· Can you explain the fact that you’ve never married even one of your children’s fathers?

· Why has your son/daughter been absent all but four days thus far in the term?

· Would you like to set up a teleconference call with your children’s father(fathers) from his(their) cell on Riker’s Island?

· How come I never see your daughter in class even after she takes her child to the school’s day care center?

· Why was your son/daughter “perp walked” out of here in hand- cuffs a few days ago?

· How many generations of welfare has your family experienced?

· When was the last time any of your children saw you reading a book?



These questions while certainly not your normal fare are in fact relevant, germane, and pertinent regarding schools like the one in which I work. To misunderstand that is to completely disregard the reality of what is occurring concerning education in urban America. It’s over and it’s not coming back. Once we have a system in which only the very few are well educated while the vast majority remain virtually illiterate, then the nation too is over and America as we have known it for over 230 years will have all but disappeared.

The next time a parent wishes to see me he or she will have to phone for an appointment. If Mom or Dad can answer two simple questions to my satisfaction I will grant them an audience: When was the last parent-teacher conference you attended?; and When was the last PTA meeting at which you made an appearance? If both questions are answered in a manner that shows me they have evinced an interest in their children’s education perhaps we’ll have something to talk about.


Much Luv Y’all and Have a Great Day
The Fifth Horseman!